Doug Ford is Here to Protect Us. (I'll Pass, Thanks.)

The Ontario election is underway. And so are the party slogans. Did someone say something about an asteroid approaching Earth?

For the what? For the what? Source: Doug Ford on Flickr.

Begun, the slogan wars have. I woke up with those words floating around my head, which is a terrible way to wake up. They don’t give you danger pay for this job and I’ve made my peace with that. But a day into the Ontario election, a Yoda-like croaking intruding into my inner narrative reminding me that it’s goofy slogan season, and I was ready to switch up careers. Maybe join the bomb squad, if they’re hiring. Sign me up. I’ll be the remote detonator robot.

Political slogans and merchandise drive me nuts. There’s something sinister about an attempt to reduce the complexity of public policy and platforms to a handful of words that might as well read “Go Bobcats!” I understand why politicians use them and why the public sometimes even fall for them — limited time, energy, focus, expertise, etc., etc. — but I don’t think that excuses anything.

I think the problem is circular, self-reinforcing, and bad for our health: the more we rally around a slogan and clap like seals, the more we get treated as the kind of people who rally around slogans and clap like seals. Everybody does it, so everybody has to do it. You’ve got to put something on those signs, right? You can’t have an empty podium or a bus that isn’t plastered from windshield to tailpipe.

But there are gradations of offensive. Marit Stiles and the the New Democrats are going with “On your side,” which is good to know. I wasn’t sure whose side they were on, but now it’s clear. Bonnie Crombie and the Liberals adopted “More For You” as their call to action. And, you know what, I was ready to settle for less, but they’ve convinced me. More it is.

Doug Ford and the Progressive Conservatives, who called an early, $189 million election for no good reason other to try to lock in another win today and not have to bother with it tomorrow, are running on “Protect Ontario.”

Dear god, where to begin.